A Priceless Gift and Lesson

I am learning a priceless lesson. The “holiday season” has been difficult for me for a very long time….long before I ever considered retail. During my childhood my mother was trying to be the perfect mother by giving all five of us and many family friends a wonderful Christmas experience. My father, bless his heart, while generous in some ways, was very uptight each Christmas season as my mother spent too much money for his sensibilities.

Now many, many years later, after seven years of retail and various life events my discomfort has moved to new levels. If you know anything about retail you know that the “4th quarter is extremely important to the business. That means buying the Christmas ornaments, etc, by February (or missing the good ones) in significant quantities or come up short early in December. Then, at the July Gift Show buying extra merchandise and of course, the right merchandise, to be ready for the projected holiday increase in business. Then the many boxes of ornaments are delivered beginning in July to be checked, priced and organized. It is stressful for me as the ink goes from black to red…..a very normal thing for this time of the year in retail. Then, it is all artfully arranged (no small task!) in the shop thanks to two very creative visual magicians, while I provide support and back-up because display is not one of my talents.

This year’s holiday season has a new emotional twist. Last year, after spending another traditional Christmas Eve experience with my parents’ Best Friends and their children and grandchildren where “Marc” annually leads us in Christmas carols and serves us from his fabulous wine cellar. Sadly, Marc did not wake up last Christmas morning. Needless to say, this was a shock and great loss for his family and the many people who loved him dearly. He was an amazing man who will never be forgotten, the ideal father, husband, grandpa, friend, and peach of a guy!

Okay, that’s more than needed to be said, here’s my point. Thanks to a friend from high school, and by the way, a football star at that time, Joe Suppa and his wonderful wife Carol, have given me a new take on the concept of a “gift”. Joe is a talented sculptor (see his website at http://www.byjoesuppa.com) with an amazing life story some of which he shared with me yesterday. Unfortunately, we hadn’t had much contact for over 41 years except for class reunions that brought us together for brief, interesting, heartfelt discussions. Then, out of the blue about three weeks ago, I got an email saying that Joe wanted to give me a sculpture as a “gift”. At first I thought…what is the catch? Then I thought this may be my lesson - to “receive” with gratitude. In the email his wife asked me if there was an image that meant something to me so I mentioned the “lotus” flower and my interest in Eastern philosophies.

Yesterday I drove out to their home way out in the boonies near Scotts Mills and after at least 6 cell phone calls to Carol en route, I found their lovely handmade hilltop home. Their home and acres of landscaping are hand built by Joe… all of it a sculpture. Following a tour of his living room gallery of wood sculpture creations, he and Carol presented me with my piece. I was blown away by the beauty of the carefully crafted images, and the serenity of the gorgeous piece of carved dark hardwood. Carol had added the final touches of color to the flowers, lily pads, the colorful fish, the cherry blossoms, and the cranes all surrounding the woman in the center.

What can one say or do to thank someone for such a personal piece of art!?! We sat and talked for a while and I told Joe I had thought I should bring flowers or something to offer as a thank you but he said that my coming and our talk was his thanks. I know he meant it and I’m reeling with gratitude and appreciation that Joe and Carol have this “gift” concept clear.

I am sitting with this today trying to integrate the experience. “Thank You” is too trite to express what I’m getting from this lesson. But here it is, a heartfelt Thank you, Joe! for this powerful lesson and of course, the exquisite piece of art. This experience will forever challenge my uncomfortable feelings around this season and my attitudes about gifting. It may take awhile to have it settle in…Today things seem different. My thanks again to Joe and Carol for this incredible gift/experience/lesson.

Nancy

Spring: A Journal of Archetype and Culture

Candice Everett, a Networker and LCSW with a Jungian practice in Portland, came to Stella’s on 21st a couple of days ago with her friend from New Orleans. Nancy Cater, PhD, a psychologist and Jungian analyst, was there during “Katrina” and has many stories to tell about the storm and its aftermath, including losing her home and observing what appears to be a high increase in cancer for "Katrina" survivors. Nancy is Editor of Spring: A Journal of Archetype and Culture. "The Journal is the oldest Jungian psychology journal in the world. Published twice a year, each Spring Journal is organized around a theme and offers articles as well as film and book reviews in the areas of archetypal psychology, mythology, and Jungian psychology." It is available through the website at this link http://www.springjournalandbooks.com.

Potential Resource

Patricia Butler, a Creative Oasis Network member and psychotherapist sent info about this publication and radio program to share with Networkers. It looks interesting.

“Beyond 50,” is an online radio show for Baby Boomers (in their 40s – 60s) that can be heard weekly and is affiliated with “Natural Awakenings” magazine, a local monthly publication that’s all about the natural, holistic and eco-friendly lifestyle. See more information about the magazine and the October edition at this link: http://www.naportland.com/images/Oct07Issue.pdf

For more about the radio show, go online to http://www.beyond50radio.com/
(Note: They’re currently reconstructing the website so it’s down temporarily.)
To hear sample recordings of the show, just click on this link: http://www.naportland.com/interviews.htm

A Year to Live

A few nights ago our monthly book group discussed the book, A Year to Live by Stephen Levine. It had been my recommendation last month, I think, and another member heartily endorsed it as she had read it already. We agreed that it would be an interesting book for discussion.

Within a week, I got rumblings from book group members that they weren’t finding it easy to read. Also, soon after that meeting, one of the group members found out that she was once again needing treatment for a recurrent serious health issue. While we all had a great time visiting and enjoying the wine and goodies provided by our hostess, it was a tough discussion. We each seemed to be distracted in our own way. THIS IS A DIFFICULT SUBJECT – this death/dying thing… I felt somewhat defensive about the book.

Agreed, it was hard to read, not just because of the subject, but his treatment of the material and his “words” seemed rather dated given that Levine, a 30-year practitioner of western Buddhism, wrote the book over 10 years ago while training people to help support others through the dying process. It ended up that we had an interesting frank albeit somewhat uncomfortable discussion of our responses to the book.


That night I had a dream that I was with two other friends and we were having a sleep-over that ended up being a very late night discussion about the many ups and downs of life and our concern for our friend who is dealing with the health issue. In this dream, I go to the bathroom and find my mother, who died 14 years ago, in a dry bathtub, fully clothed. Surprised, I apologized for keeping her awake with our late-night discussion. We talked while she remained laying in the tub. She was so very supportive, more so than I remember... as she was often tapped out by our large family, but the tone of our talk was that she assured me that everything would be okay.


I woke up during the night with that dream vivid in my mind and realized that it was a good dream all around. How special it was to have an extremely rare meeting with my mother and the result of our talk left me reassured about my friend. I wanted to share this experience with others. Let’s face it… the subject of death and dying is up for us… not necessarily at this moment, but sooner or later. Whether it is the inevitability of our own, family members, friends.... we will deal with this many times. Perhaps we can be more supportive and compassionate with ourselves and others so that we may more fully enjoy our lives and to accept that this is the natural process.



Nancy

After leaving the docks at 7:00pm we headed for our first port St. Helen's. We had been there before so we knew the docks and were over-ready for some breathing space. We just left the docks with 75 friends and family waving good-bye. We still could not believe we actually left on time!!! I was tired, sad, happy and excited. We took a couple of days getting to Astoria. It felt like we had all the time in the world, no schedules, no work, just the sailboat.

Getting into Astoria is a bit overwhelming. There are tons of boats and cargo barges. The Coast Guard always talking on the boat radio made all of this so real and we felt like a part of this new community of boat people. Boat people ... Who are they ?? Who were we now? Before we left, living on our boat and on the river made us a part of a very tight boating community. There was instant friends and support. I had the feeling a lot was said to each other without uttering a word. Now we were moving and traveling on the river to the ocean, we had a destination... Ireland. People on the new docks already started to ask us where we were from and where were we going? So we started sharing this information, " We are on our way to Ireland." It even sounded a little far fetched. We knew we were going to Ireland, but it did not feel like others thought we would ever get there.

Many boat people have life long dreams and plans of travel. Taking a boat anyplace requires money, goals, flexiblity, a safe boat, skill, dreams, more money. Many people start out to sail only to find out it is not the life for them. Relationships may not weather well on the water. Clothes feel wet most of the time. There is mildrew here, there and everywhere. You smell like diesel fuel in restaurants. Most of the time you are yearning for a long bubble bath. Your hair is stiff and straw like. Families start to wonder if you are making good choices. Boat people are a special group, the connection is strong and we were kindred spirits.

When we got to Astoria docks, Jim called on the radio for a slip assignment. We learn to have a pencil handy to write down this information, they talk way too fast for me on the radio. This is not a private conversation either. All boats can listen to the station you are talking on. It is like an old telephone party line. Most boaters try to sound very boatie. There is a whole other language for the radio you should know, one that I had not mastered yet. We figured the slip assignment out, Jim docked the boat and I jumped off and tied up Transcedence to the cleat on the docks. First things first: where is the shower and let's take a look around the town. More another time... Kay

Attending my friend Lief’s Celebration (Memorial) in San Francisco a couple of weeks ago got me to thinking about some of the things that Kay, Diane and Maureen have mentioned on this blog…all around the subject of what I really want to do in my life. I was thinking about that as I was sitting on a bench next to the Bay watching the seagulls and sailboats and getting a straight-on view of Alcatraz Island on a rare, sunny, Summer day in the SF. I used the back side of my map to the Ft. Mason location and listed the following things I want to do: sail, go to Vietnam, fall in love, spend more time in sunny places with water, take more risk with intimacy, and last but not least, more living. Not sure what I meant by “more living”; I wrote next to that what is living? That has been on my mind for the last couple of weeks. My intention is to appreciate life more and really experience it…..which brings up the subject of fearlessness. Rented a movie a couple of nights ago called, “Defending Your Life” and it reinforced that idea that living a life with fear ruling will get us nowhere! My intention is to move toward that which might be gained …to enrich life, whatever that involves. After all, life is short.

Nancy

Starting to blog, Kay Endres-Reavis

Well I decided to get on this thing and start to share creative and not so creative thoughts and ideas. I met most of you at the open house and hope to meet more of you as the events or groups start to take shape.

Six months ago I returned from a two and a half years of sailing. My partner, now husband, Jim and I learned how to sail for the trip. We sold everything and took off July 2004. The sailing adventure all the way to Ireland was a life altering one, but the more significant one is about the relationship and changes with me and Jim. In learning how to write, I hope to give that story some life to share with others and parts on this blog. And invite feedback and commets

I've started a private practice in counseling families with young children. It is a narrow focus, but one that I feel excitement and motivated by. If anyone has ideas on how to spread the word I would appreciate all forms of suggestions. I read the book "Booked Solid" by Michael Port and currently working the ideas and exercises. It is a great marketing book for a service industry.

Again this is a start and will blog more. Kay Endres-Reavis

The 4-Fold Way by Angeles Arrien

This is something I learned in Angeles Arrien's Tarot class back in 1989. It supports me whenever I'm in a quandry and think I don't know how to deal with a challenging situation. Hopefully, it will be helpful to others if they have not heard of it.

1. Show up and be fully present

2. Listen to what has heart and meaning

3. Tell the truth without blame or judgment

4. Detach from the outcome

It is pretty simple but not always so easy to apply. Nancy

Loss

Nancy, loss is such a difficult emotion to soothe and understand. I know that sharing events and stories with others that knew Lief can sometimes bring joy and laughter to recall the good times and experiences that were shared with her. At the same time, accepting the true loss of one from this earth takes time. Please know that if there's anything I can do, just call and I will be there to assist in anyway I can.

When the girls lost their grandparents on their dad's side of the family there were no plans or personal requests for the funerals, memorials or personal services. The family struggled with decisions and other arrangements that were not planned which added to the already emotional time. There was a simple will and two burial plots that had been purchased in the 1930's by their grandfather, but that was it. This leads me to say that I have been struggling with my personal desires and wishes. Trying to accept the second half of life and living it. It would be another topic/topics to discuss with the Network. It would be helpful to understand more about estate and trust planning versus a will. The advantages and tax benefits for heirs that makes it clean and simple in dividing assets. To be more understanding of how I can celebrate the best I can, not knowing when I will leave this earth. Having my wish list and business affairs in order, so I can worry a little less about the things I have yet to commit to paper.

Mysteries

Nancy, this is a test to see if this will show up on your webpage.
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So What's Next? This was a rough week following the loss of my friend. My friendship with her began when we met in grad school in San Francisco in 1988. We were together in a Family Therapy class at CIIS when the earthquake collapsed the freeway in Oakland and "broke" the Bay Bridge. It's no wonder I hated working with couples and families in my counseling practice! That night of the earthquake we came up with an emergency plan should there be another disaster - one that might blow out all the phone lines. We would each leave a message by a particular structure in the park across from Grace Cathedral, just a block from her apartment. Several times this week I've wondered if there is a message there waiting for me......

I miss her and I miss being able to talk to people who knew her. There was no wake or memorial that I know of, probably her husband was exhausted and heartbroken and all the relatives had dispersed to their respective homes spread all over the country, so nothing was scheduled. It felt like the healing/wedding just six days before her passing was that event, however, it wasn't appropriate to talk about her as if she was dying because we were still hoping for a mighty miracle. Anyway, there is healing in sharing stories and memories. I have sent a letter to her husband and emails to three other friends that knew her hoping that we can share stories. I told my sister about this need to share stories and she told me about the one meeting she had with my friend back in "88, I think. It was a very sweet story that reminded me of how nurturing Lief was and how she was so able to make you comfortable regardless of the circumstances. That helped, I was able to cry a little and reduce the build up of grief pressure or whatever one would call it. I will call another friend tomorrow.

So, I want to integrate this experience into the Creative Oasis Network process and to use what has happened to deepen my commitment to the project while hopefully bringing more women into the process. I have been reluctant to talk about the events of the last two weeks because the Network was not intended to be about me and my process - but it is "what's up" right now and as Ram Dass (I think) said, it's "grist for the mill". Perhaps others will see the blog as a way to get support and to post what is important to them at this time - right now.

There are a couple of pending events for Creative Oasis Network, a writing workshop and a book group, neither with a scheduled date as yet. Also, a friend mentioned that she might want to do a group for women to discuss sexuality at this time of life. Those all sound fascinating to me, hopefully we can pin some events down to get the word out soon via email and the website. If you have any other ideas for an event or activity, please let me know. I'm offering the space at no charge for the month of May- so take advantage of it!

If you want to post anything on this blog you can either comment as a few others have or you can post directly by letting me know that you want to be a contributor. The blog site administrator (me) sends an email that invites you to submit your email address with a new password to get you on the site. If you have trouble with that process, please let me know. I want to encourage others' input. Nancy

Moving Forward through this Life Adventure

My friend has passed from this life. It was quick - just two weeks since diagnosis, maybe four weeks since symptoms of a fast-growing form of brain cancer. In trying to figure out how to hold this loss in a way of deepening my own understanding of life and to accept it as all part of the Devine Plan, I have been searching for a poem or statement that would express something to comfort myself and others going through a loss. I came across a book I have had for about 15 years, The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying by Sogyal Rinpoche, which I was reading when my mother was dying of lung disease about that many years ago. Something about the descriptions of what happens after death really turned me off at the time – I couldn’t finish the book. I may take another run at it as my friend had studied many different avenues of spirituality, Buddhism included. So far, the right poem or quote has not come into my awareness.

Without being excessively morbid I would like to figure out a way of exploring this important issue that comes up increasingly often in this time of our lives…dealing with the loss of people close to us and facing our own mortality. Last night at dinner my friend Kathy and I were talking about Creative Oasis Network and what to do next. She suggested a book group or study group of such issues as Angeles Arrien’s book, The Second Half of Life… and other books about how women can claim their power without putting down men. Each of us may have a topic that we would like to explore by reading and discussion with others. So I open that possibility. It would be a no cost, no host get-together in Creative Oasis Network space.

If you have anything you want to put on this blog, about your thoughts, an event, something you are offering or seeking, please email me and I will “invite” you to be a “team” member. It will ask for your email address which would form a Google account. If it asks for a password just make one up, I won’t have access to it nor will anyone else but you can add whatever you like. If that doesn’t work let me know. Nancy

The Process

Thank you, Deb, for the encouragement to write this. I called my friend in San Francisco tonight thinking that she would be home from the hospital today following surgery on Monday, and I could find out when to make arrangements to visit her again since I had heard yesterday that she was expected to live just 2-8 weeks. Her sister answered the phone and said that she was in the bedroom with Lief at that moment and things are moving fast. She said Lief is already experiencing labored breathing. So I asked her to whisper in her ear, "Nancy called and said to tell you she loves you." What more can a friend do when so many miles separate us! I have lit many candles in my home tonight - it is very quiet - my dog is cuddling with me on the couch and I'm thinking of playing a tape that I got from Lief several years ago by a group called "Dead Can Dance". It so perfectly represents the altered states that we have shared together at times over the years. How ironic! So I celebrate the life of my good friend who is such a healer to so many, and she has tried to teach me about the power of LOVE.... such a great friend. She said to me a fews years ago during some rough times, "Just call me if you ever need to remember who you are" .... and I have done just that a couple of times. I pray that she doesn't suffer.

Still working on blog

My ignorance about what to do to make this blog interactive is obvious. I'm working on it and will keep you posted. Maybe it is interactive and no one has tried. Please try and we'll see if it works. My email address is nancy@creativeoasisnetwork.com if you try and it doesn't work.

Unexpected News

Yesterday morning I got a surprise phone call from Lief's partner of at least 16 years who told me that my friend, since 1988, has a sudden, serious health problem and has asked me to come to San Francisco Saturday to participate in a healing circle. No question, I'm going .... and will be leaving Friday afternoon and returning Monday evening. These frightening phone calls are getting more frequent it seems. This is the third, at least, in the last 8 months. My sister, Jane, was diagnosed with breast cancer in August and just finished chemo and radiation a month ago. She is doing fabulously well now that she is cancer & treatment free. Christmas Day, our wonderful, long time family friend for 55 years, Marc, did not wake up after he and his family entertained us Christmas Eve with fabulous food and led us in singing traditional Christmas carols. This is part of the second half of life and we have to go with the flow. This is my challenge....to realize and accept that there will be joy and there will be loss or at least fear of loss - back to back. The key for me is to take it a moment at a time and to experience whatever is happening fully. I'm grateful for the little that I know of Buddhism and meditation that has helped me to be in the moment. While the moment may be painful it is rich with emotion and love. Right now I am filled with gratitude for the connections with all the people who have been in my life and even for those I have not yet met. The potential for loss makes life all the more precious and meaningful.