This is something I learned in Angeles Arrien's Tarot class back in 1989. It supports me whenever I'm in a quandry and think I don't know how to deal with a challenging situation. Hopefully, it will be helpful to others if they have not heard of it.
1. Show up and be fully present
2. Listen to what has heart and meaning
3. Tell the truth without blame or judgment
4. Detach from the outcome
It is pretty simple but not always so easy to apply. Nancy
Monday, May 7, 2007
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
Loss
Nancy, loss is such a difficult emotion to soothe and understand. I know that sharing events and stories with others that knew Lief can sometimes bring joy and laughter to recall the good times and experiences that were shared with her. At the same time, accepting the true loss of one from this earth takes time. Please know that if there's anything I can do, just call and I will be there to assist in anyway I can.
When the girls lost their grandparents on their dad's side of the family there were no plans or personal requests for the funerals, memorials or personal services. The family struggled with decisions and other arrangements that were not planned which added to the already emotional time. There was a simple will and two burial plots that had been purchased in the 1930's by their grandfather, but that was it. This leads me to say that I have been struggling with my personal desires and wishes. Trying to accept the second half of life and living it. It would be another topic/topics to discuss with the Network. It would be helpful to understand more about estate and trust planning versus a will. The advantages and tax benefits for heirs that makes it clean and simple in dividing assets. To be more understanding of how I can celebrate the best I can, not knowing when I will leave this earth. Having my wish list and business affairs in order, so I can worry a little less about the things I have yet to commit to paper.
When the girls lost their grandparents on their dad's side of the family there were no plans or personal requests for the funerals, memorials or personal services. The family struggled with decisions and other arrangements that were not planned which added to the already emotional time. There was a simple will and two burial plots that had been purchased in the 1930's by their grandfather, but that was it. This leads me to say that I have been struggling with my personal desires and wishes. Trying to accept the second half of life and living it. It would be another topic/topics to discuss with the Network. It would be helpful to understand more about estate and trust planning versus a will. The advantages and tax benefits for heirs that makes it clean and simple in dividing assets. To be more understanding of how I can celebrate the best I can, not knowing when I will leave this earth. Having my wish list and business affairs in order, so I can worry a little less about the things I have yet to commit to paper.
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Saturday, April 28, 2007
So What's Next? This was a rough week following the loss of my friend. My friendship with her began when we met in grad school in San Francisco in 1988. We were together in a Family Therapy class at CIIS when the earthquake collapsed the freeway in Oakland and "broke" the Bay Bridge. It's no wonder I hated working with couples and families in my counseling practice! That night of the earthquake we came up with an emergency plan should there be another disaster - one that might blow out all the phone lines. We would each leave a message by a particular structure in the park across from Grace Cathedral, just a block from her apartment. Several times this week I've wondered if there is a message there waiting for me......
I miss her and I miss being able to talk to people who knew her. There was no wake or memorial that I know of, probably her husband was exhausted and heartbroken and all the relatives had dispersed to their respective homes spread all over the country, so nothing was scheduled. It felt like the healing/wedding just six days before her passing was that event, however, it wasn't appropriate to talk about her as if she was dying because we were still hoping for a mighty miracle. Anyway, there is healing in sharing stories and memories. I have sent a letter to her husband and emails to three other friends that knew her hoping that we can share stories. I told my sister about this need to share stories and she told me about the one meeting she had with my friend back in "88, I think. It was a very sweet story that reminded me of how nurturing Lief was and how she was so able to make you comfortable regardless of the circumstances. That helped, I was able to cry a little and reduce the build up of grief pressure or whatever one would call it. I will call another friend tomorrow.
So, I want to integrate this experience into the Creative Oasis Network process and to use what has happened to deepen my commitment to the project while hopefully bringing more women into the process. I have been reluctant to talk about the events of the last two weeks because the Network was not intended to be about me and my process - but it is "what's up" right now and as Ram Dass (I think) said, it's "grist for the mill". Perhaps others will see the blog as a way to get support and to post what is important to them at this time - right now.
There are a couple of pending events for Creative Oasis Network, a writing workshop and a book group, neither with a scheduled date as yet. Also, a friend mentioned that she might want to do a group for women to discuss sexuality at this time of life. Those all sound fascinating to me, hopefully we can pin some events down to get the word out soon via email and the website. If you have any other ideas for an event or activity, please let me know. I'm offering the space at no charge for the month of May- so take advantage of it!
If you want to post anything on this blog you can either comment as a few others have or you can post directly by letting me know that you want to be a contributor. The blog site administrator (me) sends an email that invites you to submit your email address with a new password to get you on the site. If you have trouble with that process, please let me know. I want to encourage others' input. Nancy
I miss her and I miss being able to talk to people who knew her. There was no wake or memorial that I know of, probably her husband was exhausted and heartbroken and all the relatives had dispersed to their respective homes spread all over the country, so nothing was scheduled. It felt like the healing/wedding just six days before her passing was that event, however, it wasn't appropriate to talk about her as if she was dying because we were still hoping for a mighty miracle. Anyway, there is healing in sharing stories and memories. I have sent a letter to her husband and emails to three other friends that knew her hoping that we can share stories. I told my sister about this need to share stories and she told me about the one meeting she had with my friend back in "88, I think. It was a very sweet story that reminded me of how nurturing Lief was and how she was so able to make you comfortable regardless of the circumstances. That helped, I was able to cry a little and reduce the build up of grief pressure or whatever one would call it. I will call another friend tomorrow.
So, I want to integrate this experience into the Creative Oasis Network process and to use what has happened to deepen my commitment to the project while hopefully bringing more women into the process. I have been reluctant to talk about the events of the last two weeks because the Network was not intended to be about me and my process - but it is "what's up" right now and as Ram Dass (I think) said, it's "grist for the mill". Perhaps others will see the blog as a way to get support and to post what is important to them at this time - right now.
There are a couple of pending events for Creative Oasis Network, a writing workshop and a book group, neither with a scheduled date as yet. Also, a friend mentioned that she might want to do a group for women to discuss sexuality at this time of life. Those all sound fascinating to me, hopefully we can pin some events down to get the word out soon via email and the website. If you have any other ideas for an event or activity, please let me know. I'm offering the space at no charge for the month of May- so take advantage of it!
If you want to post anything on this blog you can either comment as a few others have or you can post directly by letting me know that you want to be a contributor. The blog site administrator (me) sends an email that invites you to submit your email address with a new password to get you on the site. If you have trouble with that process, please let me know. I want to encourage others' input. Nancy
Monday, April 23, 2007
Moving Forward through this Life Adventure
My friend has passed from this life. It was quick - just two weeks since diagnosis, maybe four weeks since symptoms of a fast-growing form of brain cancer. In trying to figure out how to hold this loss in a way of deepening my own understanding of life and to accept it as all part of the Devine Plan, I have been searching for a poem or statement that would express something to comfort myself and others going through a loss. I came across a book I have had for about 15 years, The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying by Sogyal Rinpoche, which I was reading when my mother was dying of lung disease about that many years ago. Something about the descriptions of what happens after death really turned me off at the time – I couldn’t finish the book. I may take another run at it as my friend had studied many different avenues of spirituality, Buddhism included. So far, the right poem or quote has not come into my awareness.
Without being excessively morbid I would like to figure out a way of exploring this important issue that comes up increasingly often in this time of our lives…dealing with the loss of people close to us and facing our own mortality. Last night at dinner my friend Kathy and I were talking about Creative Oasis Network and what to do next. She suggested a book group or study group of such issues as Angeles Arrien’s book, The Second Half of Life… and other books about how women can claim their power without putting down men. Each of us may have a topic that we would like to explore by reading and discussion with others. So I open that possibility. It would be a no cost, no host get-together in Creative Oasis Network space.
If you have anything you want to put on this blog, about your thoughts, an event, something you are offering or seeking, please email me and I will “invite” you to be a “team” member. It will ask for your email address which would form a Google account. If it asks for a password just make one up, I won’t have access to it nor will anyone else but you can add whatever you like. If that doesn’t work let me know. Nancy
Without being excessively morbid I would like to figure out a way of exploring this important issue that comes up increasingly often in this time of our lives…dealing with the loss of people close to us and facing our own mortality. Last night at dinner my friend Kathy and I were talking about Creative Oasis Network and what to do next. She suggested a book group or study group of such issues as Angeles Arrien’s book, The Second Half of Life… and other books about how women can claim their power without putting down men. Each of us may have a topic that we would like to explore by reading and discussion with others. So I open that possibility. It would be a no cost, no host get-together in Creative Oasis Network space.
If you have anything you want to put on this blog, about your thoughts, an event, something you are offering or seeking, please email me and I will “invite” you to be a “team” member. It will ask for your email address which would form a Google account. If it asks for a password just make one up, I won’t have access to it nor will anyone else but you can add whatever you like. If that doesn’t work let me know. Nancy
Thursday, April 19, 2007
The Process
Thank you, Deb, for the encouragement to write this. I called my friend in San Francisco tonight thinking that she would be home from the hospital today following surgery on Monday, and I could find out when to make arrangements to visit her again since I had heard yesterday that she was expected to live just 2-8 weeks. Her sister answered the phone and said that she was in the bedroom with Lief at that moment and things are moving fast. She said Lief is already experiencing labored breathing. So I asked her to whisper in her ear, "Nancy called and said to tell you she loves you." What more can a friend do when so many miles separate us! I have lit many candles in my home tonight - it is very quiet - my dog is cuddling with me on the couch and I'm thinking of playing a tape that I got from Lief several years ago by a group called "Dead Can Dance". It so perfectly represents the altered states that we have shared together at times over the years. How ironic! So I celebrate the life of my good friend who is such a healer to so many, and she has tried to teach me about the power of LOVE.... such a great friend. She said to me a fews years ago during some rough times, "Just call me if you ever need to remember who you are" .... and I have done just that a couple of times. I pray that she doesn't suffer.
Still working on blog
My ignorance about what to do to make this blog interactive is obvious. I'm working on it and will keep you posted. Maybe it is interactive and no one has tried. Please try and we'll see if it works. My email address is nancy@creativeoasisnetwork.com if you try and it doesn't work.
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